Jealousy: the invisible hatred

In a recent interview Tish Cyrus, mother of teen star Miley Cyrus, complained that school mates were mean to her daughter. She related an incident where Miley was locked in a school bathroom for an hour by a group of girls. Apparently this was just one of many such acts of meanness.

It is not uncommon for exceptional children to arouse jealousy and meanness from those around them who are not as attractive or talented. A well-known illustration of this theme is the story of Cinderella, a beautiful girl whose stepsisters, lacking her beauty, are jealous of and nasty to her.

Jealous people not only disguise their meanness from themselves and others, but also are often unaware of it. If you ask them, “Are you jealous?” they will seldom admit it. Hence is seems to come out of nowhere—to be invisible. Jealousy is perhaps the most reviled feeling, and one that is most often disowned. This makes the acts of meanness of jealous people all the more devastating. Because these acts are disguised, they seem to come from left field. Jealous people are the typical wolves in sheep's clothing.

The jealousy-fueled acts of meanness that are directed at children are not only hurtful but perplexing. Tish Cyrus noted that Miley didn't understand why her schoolmates hated her. She had never done anything to them. She had been herself. But what she was unaware of was that her self stood out markedly. She had oodles of beauty, charm and talent that others resented. Every little girl wants to be a princess, and many are told they are princesses and come to believe it. Then when they meet a real princess, they are smitten with jealousy and with an urge to knock the real princess down.

Jealous is not limited to females by any means. Shakespeare knew this feeling well and portrayed it in plays such as Othello, where Iago's jealousy of Othello causes him to scheme the downfall of the latter. Iago is a narcissistic personality, and jealousy is found most often in narcissistic people. Narcissistic people have a need to be superior, to be admired and possess the attributes that would make them superior and admired. Often times a narcissistic parent will raise a narcissistic child. The child is not exceptional, but the mother wants so badly for her child to be exceptional that she convinces herself and the child that the latter is exceptional. Think about the stage mother syndrome.

Such an individual, told from early childhood on that she is superior, will demand to be treated that way. And such an individual, when she meets someone who truly has the attributes she wishes she had, will be filled with disappointment, jealousy and rage.

Healthy people do not feel jealous of others. They accept themselves, whether they are beautiful or plain, short or tall, smart or less than smart. People have difficulty accepting themselves when they have been told to be great but do not feel great deep inside. What they feel deep inside is emptiness.

Because they don't want to know about their emptiness, they remain unconscious of it. When they meet people who are truly superior, they resent them for feeling good about themselves. They view healthy self-esteem as conceit. So they have an urge to knock the exceptional people down, to teach them a lesson.

Hence, the schoolmates of Miley Cyrus locked her in a bathroom. They probably did not tell each other that they were jealous of her. Instead they must have rationalized that she was conceited and needed a lesson. They focused on—and laughed at—her weakness.